Who's Conning Who?
by PsychoticSushi
Summary: Jo's a clever con artist who sells rare merchandise. When she falls through a mirror on Halloween, she meets her match in Hatter. Left with no other choice, they team up to help the White Queen. Now, if they could NOT kill each other, they'd have it made!
1. Cue a Rather Confused Leprechaun

**I noticed i have to explain this a lot with some fics around here. **

**HEAR ME OUT, ever-mysterious internet!**

**I'm sure there's a billion-and-two of these Mary-Sue stories about another chick going to Wonderland.**

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* * *

"And what makes you think _this _little piece of metal is a fair exchange for _these _again?"

The guy sighed in exasperation. "Look. It's antique and priceless. Pure silver, with an exquisitely-set jewel pattern. Surely, with your experience you know _that_."

Of course she did, she wasn't stupid.

"You seem awfully eager to get rid of it for somethin' worth so much."

He winced. "It holds bad memories. I'd sell it for anything."

Joanna raised her eyebrows. "I can see that."

"So, what do you say?"

She sighed and handed over the plane tickets. "Fair enough. Remember, you didn't get these from me."

With a grateful "Thank you!!", he was gone.

Joanna smirked to herself. That plane had been put out of comission five years ago. But obviously, he didn't know that. AND she got a ring out of it.

She slipped it onto her finger, smiled with satisfaction, and went back inside.

* * *

It matched her outfit perfectly, totally going with the leprechaun theme. She slid back into the stool beside Cass and clinked bottles. "How'd it go?"

Joanna held up her hand, waggling her fingers, and Cass smiled. "Eh. At least it's pretty."

They had been coming to this bar ever since they turned twenty-one (well, before then, too). It was always packed on Halloween, what with a bartender who was also a local fire-eater.

Yeah, those fire-eaters weren't completely extinct, yet.

She got the sudden urge to pee (which happens to everyone, she hoped), and hopped up without a word, heading for the bathroom.

Joanna was kind of hoping to read the stall graffiti again, but she heard a muffled struggle going on in one of the backrooms.

Curious, she slid through the partially-open door from which the noises were coming from.

It was the man she had just sold tickets to. Although, he was obviously preoccupied, trying to get the other man off him. The other man had a really cool pin, she noticed.

Pin-Man was apparently trying to shove Ticket-Dude out of an open window.

Joanna ran over, putting herself between the two to prevent a murder. "Whoa, whoa! _Chill_!"

Pin-Man didn't look happy with her intervention, but then seemed to have a change of heart. "Hmm. I suppose _this _Oyster would suffice as well."

Ticket-Dude was livid. "Get out. _Now_!"

Joanna gave him a look. "I'm _trying _to help you out, you ungrateful son of a-" Before she could finish, Pin-Man had shoved her rather hard, and she was bracing herself for her certain death.

But the death never came.

...At least, not for the time being.

_**

* * *

**_

_**A**_ _**LITTLE**_ _**WHILE**_ _**LATER**_..

_THUD._

Joanna was too much of a whimp to open her eyes at first, but then curiosity got the best of her and she slowly opened one of them a tiny fraction.

What was going on?? One minute she had been pretty freaking convinced she was going to fall to her death, the next she was in some random person's living-area?!

Joanna stood up, brushing herself off. Now that she looked around, it wasn't a bad place to be. It was warm, and moderately tidy.

She heard footsteps and started mentally spazzing, ducking behind a bar. Sure enough, the door opened, and she heard the footsteps get closer and closer.

"Working with those dolts _always_ drains the 'ell out of me," the voice - male- commented to himself, grabbing a bottle off the bar she was currently hiding under.

This perked her up. If she was stuck in some random flat, might as well have fun, right?

So, right as he was taking a swig of the drink, she popped up dramatically.

The drink flew everywhere, and she waved cheerfully. "Evenin', gov'nor."

The dude coughed before glaring at her. "What the bloody 'ell is your problem?!"

Joanna slipped out from behind the bar innocently. "What's _your_ problem? Can't take a joke?"

* * *

She knew he was trying to be serious, seeing as there was some random chick in his flat, but she had seen a hint of a smile cross his face.

"Mind explainin' what the 'ell you're doin' in my livin' quarters?"

Joanna put her hands on her hips as she assessed the room. "That is a _really_ good question. I was hoping you could tell me."

"How would _I_ know?!"

She shrugged. "I dunno. Worth a shot, I guess. _Y'know_, I kinda like your..'livin' quarters'. Very modern-ey."

"...Modern-ey."

"Yeah."

Her gaze then fell on his hat, and she grinned. "Nice hat."

He touched the brim as if confirming he had one on. "Mine?"

"No, the OTHER guy with a hat on," she muttered sarcastically, grabbing it right off his head for further inspection.

He had tried to snatch it back, but she was too quick. She turned it over in her hands thoughtfully.

"Hmm. Genuine felt, very nice. With a bowler quality, yet top hat style as well. A bit original though. Originality, I like. Rich customers? Not so much. _Although_...what with the suave effect it gives off...I _guess_ it could fetch a fair price. If _I_ sold it, that is," she informed him matter-of-factly before frisbee-ing it back to him.

* * *

He caught it and put it firmly back on his head. "If you don't know what you're _doing _here, do you at least know what led to you ending _up _here?"

Joanna thought back. "Now that you mention it...I got in the middle of a fight between this guy I just scammed and some other guy with a weird pin. Called me an oyster."

Hat-Man froze. "...Oyster?"

Joanna threw up a hand. "Yeah, I _know_! I'm dressed as a leprechaun, thank you very much, not a damn oyster! Who goes to a bar on Halloween dressed like an _oyster_? Have _you_?"

"Can't say I have," he said in a distracted tone. "Say, listen. Leprechaun Chick. You said he had a weird pin. What did it look like?"

"Hmm. If I recall correct, it was a pretty unique piece of merchandise. Ivory backdrop set with emerald stones surrounding the edges. Oval-shaped, too. Hmm, what else? Oh, right. Intricate mold of a spyglass. The details, such as contour lining, looked to be hand-crafted. I'd say a fine price, but it was kind of dark in there," she conluded.

_Damn, that was a mouthful._

Hat-Man seemed to think the same thing. "...Right. How could you remember all that from a couple glances?"

She shrugged. "It's what I do." She held out a hand. "I'm Joanna by they way. You can just call me Jo."

* * *

He seemed to be deep in thought, and Joanna wiggled her fingers for emphasis. "...You're supposed to shake it."

He snapped out of his reverie and chuckled nervously. "Oh. Right. I'm Hatter."

Jo made a thinking face. "...Is it because you wear hats?"

"No. It's because I'm a generous, giving soul," he explained proudly.

She beamed. "Does that mean you'll let me stay here?"

He laughed as if that were extremely hilarious. "Ha! Hell no."

Her mouth formed a rather unflattering "O".

"But..but...Generous, giving soul my _ass_!!"

Hatter looked pointedly at his now empty glass of alcohol before nodding towards the door. "Exit's that way."

"Oh, c'mon! Just until I figure out where I am!" She begged, widening her brown eyes innocently. It was probably the tiredness that was so evident in them that did it.

He finally sighed. "...Fine. But _only _for a few days!" He added quickly as she started doing her happy-dance.

Jo stopped mid-move and rolled her eyes. "You act as if I mean to stay here _forever_. Trust me, I can't wait to leave already."

He smirked. "You say that now. Once you're with me, you'll _always _come back, love."

Jo made a huge show of turning her back to him as she sprawled out on his couch. She wondered if he meant that to be as perverted as it sounded..

She waited till she heard him leaving into a different room, then called out sweetly, "Thaaankk yooouuu Haaaatteeerr!!"

"Ehh," was his wonderful answer.

* * *

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	2. I am NOT Hired Entertaiment!

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_**

* * *

**_

_**THE ****NEXT MORNING...**_

Jo was half-convinced she was laying in her own bed back home. That last night had just been a freaky-ass dream brought on by a spiked drink or something.

But then she got a rather annoying poke on her back.

She decided to ignore it.

They just poked her again. And again. So finally, she jerked upright and yelled, "WHAT?!"

Hatter smirked, not very fazed. "_Someone_ isn't a morning person."

Jo folded her arms across her chest moodily, refusing to move for anything. "Go away, please."

His smirk turned into a grin. "Sorry, no-can-do. I need you to watch the shop for me."

Jo sighed tiredly, ruffling her hair. "...Shop?"

He jerked his thumb to a door behind him. "Right through there. I've gotta do somethin', I'll only be gone a tick. All _you_ have to do is babysit the customers."

She stood up moodily, all her tiredness gone by now. "What's in it for me?"

"I _don't_ kick you out flat on your ass," he suggested cheerily. She scowled. "Fine."

He flashed another grin. "Brilliant. Now, remember. The prices are _always_ right. In this part of town, they'll always try to haggle with you. So stay firm on the price. And don't draw too much attention to yourself."

Hatter looked her over and shrugged. "Well, as little attention as a Leprechaun Chick can get. Got it?"

Jo waved him off. "Please, I do this for a living. Totally got it under control."

"You better," he warned lightly, leaving through the opposite door.

Jo sighed and went through the one he had indicated earlier. "Well. THIS sucks."

_**

* * *

**_

_**FIVE ****HOURS LATER...**_

Jo drummed her fingers on the counter some more as the woman continued to rant. _'I'll be just a tick' my ass! It's been forever!_

"The price for excitement has _never_ been so high! I _demand_ a discount!!!"

_Finally_, _now I can get a word in.._

"Look, ma'am. How about this? Buy yourself some beauty cream. This one right here," Jo indicated, holding the jar up.

"I try it myself, as you can see. It's a lower price, and if you apply it correctly, you can catch a man's eye and earn your _own_ excitement, free of charge! How about that?"

The woman (who REALLY needed the beauty cream, by the way) seemed to consider. "Hmm..I suppose you're right."

"And why not throw in a shot of confidence?" Jo asked in her most convincing tone, handing her the shot-sized liquid. "Men _love _them some confident women. With this and the beauty cream, you'll be set for _life_! ...Granted you keep coming to us to re-stock, of course."

Jo had her hook, line and sinker. She held out her hand. "Have we reached an understanding?"

The woman grinned smugly and shook it. "I believe we have, young lady."

"Would you like these wrapped up for you? Don't want the men to see you're _buying_ your soon-to-be-flawless looks."

"Oh, quite right!"

"It'll cost you fifteen more coins."

"No problem!"

As the woman left, Jo put her hands on her hips triumphantly. "..You DO know that wasn't beauty cream, but just plain lotion, right?"

Jo jumped at the sudden voice, and smirked at Hatter. "Of course. But _she_ doesn't. And she'll keep coming back. The original price of the Excitement Serum was topped by the extra cost of the wrappings. You're welcome."

He seemed genuinely impressed. "Hmm. Guess you _do_ know what you're doing."

"I told you, it's what I do."

"You've said that a lot. What exactly is it you _do_??"

"That."

"What's that?"

"This."

"What's this and that?"

"What I do."

Hatter sighed in annoyance, giving up. Jo just shrugged. "I take it I can go do something else now?"

"So long as it's legal."

She sighed. "_You're_ no fun. I'm hungry." And with that she went back through the door to his living space.

* * *

It had taken Jo forever to find something edible in his fridge, but she finally did. She was just about to sit down when she noticed another man was in the room as well.

She eyed him suspiciously. "Who're _you_?"

The man just smiled. "I should ask you the same thing. _I_ am a friend of the Hatter's." Jo folded her arms across her chest. "Well, who do you _think _I am?"

He looked her up and down, then asked quite bluntly, "Did he hire you for entertainment?"

Jo spazzed, waving her hands as if stopping traffic. "Whoa, whoa, WHOA!! Hell to the NO!!"

Hatter must of heard her yelling. "Are you yelling to yourself, Leprechaun?" He asked, then froze once he saw the man.

Jo, not getting it, turned to look at him. "Gee, Hatter, I didn't know you hired girls for _entertainment_!!"

He glanced in her direction. "Ignoring that. How'd _he_ get in here?"

"I dunno. Ask him yourself."

The man chuckled and shook his head. "I can see why he kept you around. Long time, no see, Hatter."

Hatter continued to glare at him, not giving a reply. Jo didn't like not knowing what was going on, and she sighed. "Will someone tell me who the _hell_ this is?!"

* * *

Hatter edged a little closer to her, looking to be ready to run. "No one you want to know. Get out, Lucious."

_Lucious, huh? Sounds exotic-ish. Like Julio. _

The Lucious person laughed as if this were hilarious. "You never _did _like fighting, Ha-.." He trailed off, eyes lingering on Jo's hand.

He looked at her face. "...Where did you get that?"

* * *

Jo glanced down. Oh, he meant the ring. She waggled her fingers, and Hatter made a weird noise after noticing it. "What, _this_? Some guy. We made a trade."

Hatter looked about to go into cardiac arrest. "What're you _doing_?! Put your bloody hand down!!"

Lucious chuckled. "I believe you've found my ring. I would like it back, if you please." He held out his hand expectantly, which made Jo a bit annoyed.

She crossed her arms. "Well, gee. I was gonna _contemplate _giving it to you, but now that you expect me to, I don't think I like the idea too much. Sorry."

Hatter was fighting a smile, she could tell. Lucious appeared to be fighting the urge to strangle her. "_That_, miss, is MY ring! You have _no right_!"

Jo shrugged. "Sorry. Finders keepers, losers weepers. You would be the _loser _in this scenario," she informed him matter-of-factly.

He growled, advancing towards her. "Hand over the ring. Now."

Hatter laughed nervously. "Let's be civil, now-"

"Shut up, Hatter!" Lucious snapped, turning to Jo.

"You don't know what you're getting yourself into, you foolish woman."

* * *

Jo took a step back as he advanced some more, knocking herself against the bar. "Maybe not, but I _do _know you're not laying your paws on this here ring. It's mine. I conned it, fair and square."

He let out a growl of frustration, and Hatter tugged at her wrist. "We best be going," he commented with an anxious look her way.

She was about to follow him, but Lucious dove for her, grabbing her by the ankle. She hit the ground with a yelp, flipping over to face him as he pinned her to the ground.

"I'll be taking that ring now."

Jo struggled a bit. "You'll have to cut it from my damn finger, you bastard."

He clicked open a pocket knife, still holding her down. "That can be arranged."

Hatter was about to fend him off, but Jo beat him to it, kneeing Lucious in the groin and slipping out from under him as he fell with a groan.

She kicked him in the gut for extra measure before following a spastic Hatter out the back door.

* * *

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	3. Jo's Never Liked Hikes, Anyways

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* * *

Once they left his place, and after evading shooting from locations nearby, they hid in some bushes.

Jo glared at him silently for quite a long time, and finally he said it was all clear. So she stood up and intensified her glare. "Where the hell's the _exit_ around here?"

Hatter laughed nervously. "Leprechaun, I gotta be honest...I'm not liking your vibe right now, luv."

"You don't like my _vibe_, huh? Then get me home. NOW, dammit!"

He gestured desperately for her to lower her voice, glancing around. "Will you stop screechin'?!"

"I just got shot at, Hatter. SHOT AT! And that exotic guy nearly cut off my finger. I'd like to go _home _now," she told him.

Hatter sighed impatiently. "Look, I'll make a deal with you, awrlright?"

Damn that British accent. She was a sucker for accents. "..._Deal_, you say?"

"Yes, _deal_, I said. That ring on your bloody finger is the key to helping the White Queen. If you help me do so, I'll get you home. Do we have a deal?"

Jo batted her eyelashes innocently. "Tell me, Hatter. How _exactly_ would you help me home?"

"The Looking Glass. Your ring powers it."

"And..._where_ is this Looking Glass?"

"Well, it's- ..."

He smirked at her. "Hold on a tick. _I_ know what you're doin'! Clever little thing, aren't you? Well, I'm not gonna tell you. You'll have to come with me."

Jo huffed and turned on her heel, stomping in the opposite direction. "Fine then. I'll find it _myself_. Ask around, no biggie- AHHHH!!" She shrieked as the world tilted sideways.

* * *

Jo smacked Hatter's back as hard as possible. He had picked her up and swung her over his shoulder as if she were a sack of potatoes.

"Set me down, NOW!! This is _kidnapping_, y'know!"

Hatter scoffed. "Oh, yeah. Like anyone _here's_ gonna miss you."

"Hey! This is SO not fair!! Hatter?!" She pounded his back some more, and he simply shifted her weight a little. "Hey, a little lower, if you don't mind. Are you a masseuse?"

Jo scowled, even though she knew he couldn't see. "No. It must be a gift. I tell you what. _I'll_ hit your back if _you_ let me down afterwards."

"Sure, I'll consider it. To the left. A little lower, little lower...._ahhh_. Thanks, luv."

"....Are you gonna put me down now?" She asked in her best innocent tone.

He laughed. "Ha! And have you run off again? You're a funny one."

Jo growled in frustration, and he simply chuckled to himself. "That sounded kind of sexy, Leprechaun."

"I'm ignoring you from now on," she declared matter-of-factly.

"...So..._nothing_ I say could bother you?"

"Nope."

Hatter shrugged, and the movement made her jostle a little. "Fine. We'll see."

_**

* * *

**_

_**TWO ****HOURS LATER...**_

"Ooohh, nice little tattoo on your hip there. Have any more?"

He had been saying comments like that the whole way, but this one didn't bother her, either. "Nope. That's the only one. How'd _you _see it?"

"Well, when one's being carried like this, their shirt tends to ride up a little."

_Pervert. Wonder what else he's trying to see._

Jo cleared her throat. "...Oh."

"So, you got a boyfriend back where you're from?"

Jo smirked to herself. "Are you _hitting _on me, Hatter?"

"No. I just want to make sure I don't have to save some pathetic guy like I did LAST time I was with an Oyster," he stated dully.

Jo rolled her eyes. "Gee, you know _just _what to say."

"It's a gift," he replied cheerily.

Jo sighed with boredom. "How can you _not _be tired yet? You've been carrying me for hours."

"One, I'm no pushover. Two, the fact that if I set you down, you'd kick my ass before running off, is _plenty _of motivation to keep carrying you."

Jo sighed again. She kept having to change up her arm positions every few minutes so the blood wouldn't rush to them for too long.

He then giggled like a ten-year-old watching an R-Rated movie. This made her suspicious. Very suspicious indeed.

"...Hey...What's so funny over there?" She asked slowly.

Hatter immediately tried to control his laughter. "Oh, um, nothing. Say, do you know any fellow leprechauns?"

Jo rolled her eyes again. "Nope, can't say I do. Why?"

"Oh, er, nothing. Do you always wear such short skirts, luv?"

"....Sometimes. Not often."

"Ah, that's a shame. I should carry you like this more often."

_What the hell does that mean...???_

Finally, it dawned on her what he must be gigglinig about, and she started trying to wriggle out of his grip. "Set me down!!! I promise not to run away, but you better put me down, or I will personally kick your ass upside down!!"

* * *

Sensing her seriousness, he slowly flipped her over, and she fell flat on her butt.

Jo stood up, brushing off her butt, before smacking Hatter upside the head.

"Ow!" He exclaimed defensively, rubbing his head.

"Pervert!!"

Hatter just smirked. "Oh, come on, Leprechaun. From what I saw of your world, I'm sure a girl like you has heard worse."

Jo crossed her arms. ".._A girl like me_? What does _that _mean? Do tell, Hatter."

He gestured at her body, getting all spazzy. "W-Well, you know...curvy and...and the auburn hair..and the...Well, YOU know!!"

Jo huffed, looking around. "What a dumbass. Are _all _guys around here such perverts?"

"Well, not all of them have their own personal leprechauns to annoy," he replied pleasantly.

Her response was, "Where the hell are we?"

"The woods. Almost there."

Jo felt a slight breeze, making the chilly air even colder. "...Hey, Hatter?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you have in mind for when it gets dark?"

* * *

He grinned. "Well, if the coldness is your issue, I have _several _ideas."

Jo glared at him. "When hell freezes over. Twice."

Hatter shrugged. "Ehh, suit yourself. Don't worry your little leprechaun head about it. I've got a friend."

Jo pretended to be shocked. "Awww, you have a friend, Hatter? And they're _not _imaginary?! I'm so proud!"

Hatter simply grabbed her before she could even budge and slung her back over his shoulder. "Alright, your tizzy-break is over now. Time to keep moving."

"I have _legs_!" She exclaimed defensively.

He let out a quick little laugh. "Oh, I know. You have feet, too. With heavy boots. And you're pissed at me. Don't think I'll be jumping on _that _grenade, luv."

Jo crossed her arms, but they slid out of their position due to gravity. "Is it _really _necessary to carry me like this? I feel like I'm Bambi's mother, and you're the bastard that shot me, and now you're taking me home to stuff and mount on your wall. It's not a pleasant feeling."

Hatter sighed, and she could practically see him roll his eyes. "Suit yourself." He swung her around and proceeded to carry her honeymoon style.

Jo sighed in annoyance. Well, at least she could take a nap now.

* * *

**Sigh. Poor Jo. **

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	4. Purring, Growling, and Lord of the Rings

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* * *

Jo must've been dozing off, because she was totally taken by surprise when Hatter suddenly stopped.

She blinked a few times, rubbing her eyes. She then yawned and stretched lazily.

Jo had forgotten he had been carrying her, and the sudden movement made her roll right out of his grip, and she hit the ground with an "Oof!"

Hatter burst into laughter, and Jo stood up, brushing herself off with a moody huff. "Where are we?"

Hatter stopped laughing suddenly. "Oh...well, about that..err, I seem to have temporary lost my ability to navigate us through the foliage of this flora and fauna," he announced grandly.

Jo blinked at him. "So, basically, you got us lost. Is that what you're telling me?"

"A wee bit."

Jo was pretty sure her eye was twitching, she was so angry. "Are you KIDDING me?! We're lost in the _woods_?! REALLY?! There are..._creatures_ in the woods, Hatter!!"

"You honestly think I don't know that?" He replied.

"At this point, I'd be surprised if you know what two plus two is."

"That would be four," he answered cheerfully.

Jo advanced towards him, starving, tired, and beyond pissed. "I could _strangle_ you right now. I could _do_ it."

He laughed nervously. "You know, Leprechaun, you look very pretty when you're angry," he said innocently.

Jo shook her head. "Not gonna work. But for your sake, I sure _hope _so, 'cause I'm gonna stay angry for a _loooong_ time!!"

* * *

Hatter threw up a hand. "Well, maybe you should've helped me navigate! It's not _all_ my fault!!"

"I. Was. ASLEEP, Hatter!!!" She shouted. He flinched. "Will you PLEASE stop screeching?! That blasted Jabberwakee might still be around, y'know!"

Jo advanced even closer. "Some stupid made-up creature is NOT gonna help you here, Hatter."

"Who says it's made up? Wonderland isn't a huge children's tale, if you haven't noticed."

"I _have _noticed. If it were a fairytale, you wouldn't be here annoying me right now!"

"Hey, I _saved _your ass! _Twice_!"

_Why do his defenses almost always involve my ass??_ She wondered before continuing the argument.

"I saved _myself_, if you recall!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah! With my skills of persuasion and self-defense," she pointed out.

They resorted to staring the other down, faces only inches apart.

"You're gonna get us killed, Leprechaun," he finally commented.

"Not if I kill you first," she growled.

He shook himself. "_Please_ don't growl like that."

An evil smirk grew on Jo's face. "What, does it turn you on, Hatter?" She growled.

He glared at her. "I mean it, Leprechaun!"

"My. Name. Is. Jo," she growled.

He pointed a finger right at her face. "You are THE most annoying woman I have EVER met!"

"Pointing is _rude_!" She growled.

Hatter groaned in frustration. "Stop _doing _that!!"

Jo simply laughed before leaning forward.

"This is what I call _revenge_, Hatter," she practically purred in his ear. She could almost see the shiver that ran through him as he put about five feet of space between them.

He slid down against the trunk of a tree, bringing his knees to his chest and crossing his arms moodily.

"I've heard of them tricking you from their pots of gold. I've heard they wear green. I've even heard they can be evil. But _no one_ warns you about the _vixen _leprechauns," he mumbled to himself.

Jo laughed again, sitting under a tree across the way from him. "Honestly, you flatter me, Hatter."

He shot her a dirty look, and she just laughed harder.

_**

* * *

**_

_**FOUR ****HOURS LATER...**_

"Psst. Leprechaun. PSSSTTT!!!" Hatter hissed right by her ear.

Jo jumped, shouting out "PRESENT!!!"

Hatter covered her mouth. "Are you bloody _daft_?!" He hissed.

Jo was too tired to put up much of a fight as he pushed her out of her slumped sitting position, getting her low against the ground.

Jo was kind of questioning his motives at first, wondering if all that growling and purring had left a lasting effect on him, but then she heard twigs snapping nearby.

She realized the tree she had been under also had an overhang, kind of like the one she saw in the first Lord of the Rings.

Hatter pretty much shoved her in there before crawling in next to her, hand still over her mouth cautiously.

* * *

Jo felt a surge of fear as she heard the snapping twigs get closer, and heard angry voices to match. "Find them! They _must _be here!"

"Boss, that fisherman said it was _hours _ago. Couldn't they have made their way out by now?"

"This is the _Hatter _we're talking about, Monty. If a _rock _had a sense of direction, it would be better than his," Lucious sneered.

Jo glanced at Hatter, who looked to be trying to see Lucious through the darkness to try and glare at him.

She rolled her eyes.

"Why do you want these people so bad anyways, boss?" Another one asked.

"She has the Ring, idiot!!"

"Besides," Monty commented in a low voice too near for Jo's liking. "From the description, she sounds valuable. When he gets the ring, he could sell her to the highest bidder, just like the other girls."

The other man chuckled. "Or he could keep her for himself, eh, Lucious?"

Both men laughed, and Jo felt a surge of fear at their words. Wonderland seemed a lot darker to her now.

"Either way, it's none of your damn business! Just find them!!" Lucious barked.

They were so close. They sounded like they were only feet away.

Jo didn't realize she was trembing until Hatter inched closer to her, and she couldn't help but shoot him a cautious look.

Last time she had been in an enclosed spot with a man this close, his intentions weren't exactly noble.

But Hatter must have sensed this. His hand loosened against her mouth, and he flashed a reassuring smile.

She could still see the slight fear and worry in his expression, but decided to ignore that and nodded appreciatively.

Lucious's men intended to search very thoroughly, it seemed. Eventually, Jo fell back asleep, too tired to take all this sudden fear and adrenaline.

* * *

**Hmmm....good thing she's not claustrophobic, I guess. **

**Much.**

**REVIEW!**


	5. What a PERVERT!

**Sorry for slacking off_!_**

**Had a lot of registration stuff, have a performance coming up, now I'm sick...yeah!**

**Don't hurt me!**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

When Jo woke up, it took her a minute to remember where she was. Then it all came back; the woods, getting dropped earlier, growling.

She attempted to sit up, but then flopped back down.

Why, you ask?

Something heavy and warm around kept her from sitting up.

She slowly looked down and realized Hatter had an arm wrapped around her waist. Jo felt herself flush (_Dammit_), and looked over at Hatter.

Oh. He was snoring? That would explain the godawful noise she had been hearing in the background...

Now she had a bit of a dilemma. She could wake Hatter up, or just deal with it.

If she dealt with it, she could continue to sleep, which was always awesome.

BUT, then he would jump to the conclusion that she liked waking up to his arm around her waist.

Which she didn't._ Much. Wait, no, not at all! God!_

On the other hand, if she woke him up, she'd have to start walking again to get out of the stupid woods, and she was tired as hell.

OR, he might carry her again.

But he might not, due to being pissed over Jo waking him up.

In which case she would have to walk on her own two feet for who knows how long.

So she groaned, shifted, and closed her eyes again.

_**

* * *

**_

_**THIRTY ****SECONDS LATER...**_

"Ha! I _knew _it," Hatter announced proudly, making her jump.

"What the..I thought you were asleep!?!"

"I was. Until you moved. But then you laid back down because, of _course_, I'm irresistable."

Jo glared at him. "NO. I laid back down because I'm exhausted and didn't feel like doing any heavy-lifting."

"Well, we could always switch out, I mean-"

Jo rolled her eyes. "Not THAT, pervert!! Your damn arm!"

He glanced down at his arm and smirked. "Oh, you're right. It IS pretty heavy, since it's pure muscle and all."

Jo scoffed. "Don't make me laugh. It's too early."

Hatter's smirk simply grew. "Oh, you don't have to make excuses. I understand if you can't resist me. What with my flawless charm and devilishly good looks."

Jo rolled her eyes again. "Oh, bite me."

He waggled his eyebrows. "Really? This is getting interesting. I never pegged you as one of THOSE people. You're into that stuff?"

"Pervert!!!"

"...ARE you one of those people? I mean, if you are, I guess I could be open-minded..."

"NO."

"Just checking!" He grinned. "It's just as well. Now I know what NOT to do when the time comes."

"Yeah. Don't touch me at all."

"You're such a spoil-sport, Leprechaun."

Jo sighed. "Can you _please _let me go back to sleep?"

"Can I keep my arm here?"

"Sure, I don't care," she said quickly, too tired to argue any further about the stupid appendage.

Hatter laughed and crawled out of the hole before dragging her with him. "Ah, nice try. Time to keep moving. But you just accepted the fact of my irresistability, and for that I thank you, luv."

She decided arguing wouldn't do any good with a bonehead like Hatter, and just made a face at him.

Jo yawned and stretched lazily, ruffling her hair.

"You know, for sleeping in a cramped hole all night, I'm not really that stiff," she said thoughtfully before following him to wherever the hell they were going.

They heard something moving behind them, and Jo froze. They both slowly turned around, expecting the worse.

It was a knight.

_They sent knights after us?!_

Jo gulped. "Great. We're screwed."

* * *

Hatter waved her off. "You don't trust people enough, you know that? This here is Charlie. We go back, eh, old boy?"

The knight shifted his gaze from Jo, to Hatter, and then back. "Ah, 'tis Hatter! And a...a..."

"Leprechaun," he informed Charlie, whose eyes widened. "By jove, they DO exist!!"

She shot a glare at Hatter, who chuckled nervously. "So, Charlie, old pal. We need your help."

She looked at him curiously. "We do?"

"Yes, we do."

"For what?"

"The thing I told you about!"

"_What _thing?"

"You know....the THING.."

"...No, Hatter, I _don't _know this THING you speak of."

Hatter groaned impatiently. "Charlie, where's your little hideout?"

Charlie, who had been looking between the two during their argument, now held up a finger. "Ah! Approximately one mile southeast of here!"

"Can you lead us there?"

"Why of course, Hatter and his bonnie Leprechaun."

She raised her hand. "Actually, you can just call me Jo."

"Jo? I like it! Right this way, Hatter and his bonnie Jo."

Hatter slowly followed him, and Jo leaned closer. "Why do you act like this is a death sentence?"

"Because it's CHARLIE."

Jo shrugged. "He seems alright to me...Well, minus the bonnie-ness."

"You've only dealt with two minutes of Charlie the White Knight. Just wait, you'll see."

_**

* * *

**_

_**TWENTY ****MINUTES LATER...**_

"Hatter?"

"Why yes, Leprechaun?"

"Can you kill me? _Please_?" She whispered.

"Ehh, you're not ugly enough to die."

"Hatter, that makes _no _sense whatsoever."

"Sure it does! The ugly ones always die first. No one else has died yet, which would mean YOU would die first, which is against the dying rules. I wager you'll be at least the third to die."

"Wow, _that's _comforting," she deadpanned.

He was about to reply, but they watched Charlie sniff a leaf like it was his crack instead. "Ah, I appear to have misread my own instructions! No matter! There is a _toad _nearby!"

"...And that helps us..._how_?!" Hatter asked.

Jo sighed and shook her head. "Why can't I travel with just ONE man who can navigate, or at least fricking _ask _for directions?!"

They stopped walking and leaned against trees, watching as Charlie moved around like he was in a daze.

Finally, he picked up a toad, flipping it over and inspecting it carefully. Then, he stuck out his tongue rather dramatically.

"Um...Charlie? What're you doing?" Jo asked slowly.

The two sane ones exchanged a look. "Don't tell me he's gonna..." Jo trailed off as he licked the entire length of the toad's back.

"Ugh, he did! That should be on an episode of Wildboyz!"

"An episode of what, luv?"

"Nothing, nothing," she said, too grossed out to even bother explaining.

Charlie smacked his lips. "Tangy. This way, approximately fifty steps!" He shouted, pointing to their right and taking exaggerated steps.

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!!"

Jo gave Hatter a truly intimidating glare as Charlie continued shouting in time with his steps. "My killer headache is ALL your fault. Do you have no other friends? Perhaps sane ones?!"

He rolled his eyes and pulled her along. "I know he's a bit odd, but he's survived for plenty of years. He's the one we want."

"More like he's the only friend you _have_.." Jo muttered moodily.

"I heard that!"

"You were intended to."

"Such a spunky little leprechaun you are," he said with a laugh.

"Don't make me hurt you. I am NOT little."

"You, my dear, are little."

"I'm not little!! I'm...I'm...fun-sized!"

"Fun-sized, eh? What kind of _fun _are we talking, here?"

"Not _your _kind, pervert!" She snapped.

"We'll see about that."

"What does that mean?!"

"Well, we'll see, won't we?"

Jo sighed. "Great. Now I'm never gonna be able to sleep...!!"

* * *

**I got a shot today, and it knocked me out for five hours! It was sooo weird, it felt like an overdose!**

**And it didn't really help, I'm still sick with this stupid virus..**

**Reviews might make me feel better!**


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